Agorazo

Cha, cha,changes

2009-07-29T17:18:00.003-06:00

Some interesting changes are taking place in my life right. I am returning to HBCS as a PE teacher. I feel way more prepared for this year thanks to summer school at LC. This year is going to be totally different from the last time I taught there. For starters, I will be mostly just teaching girls. It will be a challenge but it had great possibilities. Also, I will be more involved in the athletic program since my good friend is the athletic director. I may even be as assistant coach for one or more sports, which is a very scary thought for everyone involved. The last major difference in this year is that I am not in student ministry anymore. While it's heartbreaking, I know I will be able to give more of myself to my job and the students at Highland.

Another change in my life is that I moved. I now live in a townhouse across from the River Ranch area. While I loved living with my friend in Carencro, I am going to enjoy living close to everything in Lafayette and it will be closer to work. Also, my new roommate is the daughter of very close friends. She is not a committed Christian so I will be a witness and light to her. I pray that Christ gives me the strength to live a transparent and faithful life in front of her. I know I will mess up but I hope God is able to demonstrate His grace to me and to her through my life. It will be different but good.

The last major change is internal. I have learned and grown so much over this past year. I never losing the thing I loved most would have such a huge impact on my life. I find myself with completely different priorities and outlooks on life. I feel as if I know myself more than I ever have. I have realized who I am and what makes me who I am. I am more secure as God's child and His beloved. Last year began a downward spiral that stripped me of everything I thought was important. As I began the climb back up I found that I no longer needed to prove what I was all along: 1 Peter 2:9

The Purpose of Relationships.

2009-04-02T21:05:00.003-06:00

During a discussion with my roommate, we talked about the purpose of relationships. I used to think that I was absurd for having a unique purpose for evey relationship; but now after talking about it I have come to the conclusion that I like the purposes of my relationships and that it is a good thing. The purpose helps me set apprpriate limits and boundaries on the relationships. I like boundaries. I find great freedom in the boundaries I set because I know how crossing certain lines can bring pain and confusion. (side note: I also like walls. I build many walls. I am very grateful for the people in my life who chose to break down those walls and truly get to know me. And of course there were people who took one look at the walls and decided it was not worth the work. Not that I blame them, I can be a difficult person.)
The purpose also gives me a guide on how to act within the relationship. For example, the purpose of my relationship with my BFF is to be the absolute best friend I can be. I need to be supportive, encouraging, loving, a good listener, available, and so forth. So every thing I do in that relationship should be in accordance with those principles. If it is not, then I am not being a true friend and I am not serving the purpose of the relationship. This concept has helped me be a better friend, daughter, sister, and Christian. I hope that all my relationships serve the most important purpose of all: to glorify Christ.

Sunday Sermon

2009-03-15T11:24:00.002-06:00

The sermon series at the Bayou right now is Encounters, talking about different encounters people had with Jesus. Today's sermon was on the rich young ruler. He had it all: money, youth, political status, religious status, and morality. When this man was confronted with Jesus, he wanted to know what he needed to do to have eternal life. Jesus knew his heart. He knew that outwardly he was a good person but that his heart was focused on his money and not on God. Jesus told the man to give away everything and follow Him. The man turned away from Jesus and kept his money and power as his number one.

The sermon reminded me that at times we have to lose the things we love the most if they take the place of Jesus in our lives. Though it has been very painful, I am glad that I had to lose what I loved the most to know that Jesus must be what I love most. It also comforts me to know that I can never lose Jesus.

Getting what you need...not what you want

2009-03-14T18:53:00.002-06:00

I'm sure I'm not the only one; but when I was younger I used to try and imagine what my life would look like when I was older. I am approaching my 27th birthday and I must say my life has not turned out like I wanted it to. I thought I would be married with kids and have a successful career. It was like most dreams I assume. This weekend God has really shown me that I have everything I NEED not want and in the end it doesn't really matter what I want.

I wanted to be married but I need Jesus who loves me more than anyone else and died to show me that love. He will never leave me or forsake me. He will never disrespect me or treat me poorly. He has my heart because He will protect it.

I wanted a successful career but true success is not measured in what you do but who you are. Am I a person who loves and gives completely to others? Do I put others before myself and serve where God wants me. Have I completely and utterly surrendered everything to Christ? I need to be successful in the eyes of Jesus not the world.

So I may not be where I wanted to be but I am so better off than I could have ever imagined.
I have an amazing church family and friends. I have a ministry to serve that will push me outside of every comfort zone I have. I have a relationship with the Creator of the universe. So, I say bring on being 27 to love more, give more, serve more, and experience life more. After all, I am single, independent, and unrestricted.

Do You Really Love Him?

2009-03-08T09:07:00.003-06:00

I was reading my daily devotion from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and this passage just moved me so much I thought I should share it.

To be surrendered to God is of more value than our personal holiness. Concern over our personal holiness causes us to focus our eyes on ourselves, and we become overly concerned about the way we walk and talk and look,out of fear of offending God. "...but perfect love casts out fear..."once we are surrendered to God (1John 4:18). We should quit asking ourselves, "Am I of use?" and accept the truth that we really are not of much use to Him. The issue is never of being of use,but of being of value to God Himself. Once we are totally surrendered to God, He will work through us all the time.

Letting go

2009-02-05T15:19:00.003-06:00

This post might be long so bear with me...
Six months ago, I started a hard journey. I had to let go of something that I loved very much. I did not want to let it go but circumstances would not allow me to keep it. However, I never truly let it go. I kept holding onto it and keeping it near me. I tried letting go but I never could. You could say I had my very first broken heart. I was mourning this thing I needed to let go of. The thing was certain relationships that I had worked to build for almost two years. Though I desperately wanted to keep relationships and continue to build them, I had to end them. It was the hardest and saddest time of my life. I have had hardships and disappointments in life; but nothing compared to this. All of my focus and energy was in mourning these lost relationships. During this time of brokenness in my life, Jesus reached down and showed me that I was being selfish. Instead of looking for other relationships to build and serve, I was consumed with the ones I lost. During a Wednesday night service at my church, the pastor called for a prayer of repentance before the Lord's supper. It was during this time that God showed me who He wanted me to invest in and serve. I have started a Small group with the women He showed me. We are going through a Bible study entitled Seeking Him. It is about personal revival in your life. This week is about honesty. In order to have fellowship with God and others, you have to be honest about your self and your sin. Last night, the pastor talked repentance. I know I need to be honest with myself and God about my disobedience of not letting go and holding on to what was never really mine in the first place. I know I need to realize and confess my sin and change. Without change, repentance never truly takes place. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is telling me to let go. Let go of the pain, let go of the what could have been, let go of the relationships I lost and truly embrace the ones in my life now. I know it won't be easy. I have to fight the tendency to be mechanical in my relationships and the ministry God has allowed me to be a part of. It is very easy for me to go through the motions with no feeling or passion for what I am doing. What is worse is that most people never realize that I'm just going through the motions. They think I'm some great servant who just loves to minister to others. While I love serving people, I can get lost in the service and forget why I am serving in the first place. So by God's grace and mercy, I am starting a new journey. The journey of letting go of what I want and embracing what God wants.

Music Junkie

2009-01-03T10:35:00.002-06:00

Hi. My name is Joslynn and I am addicted to music. While talking to my cousin over Christmas about my need for a bigger iPod (cause my nano is full), I discovered I am a music junkie. She asked me why I needed more music and I replied that I just did because I was addicted to music. Seriously, going into iTunes and browsing through music and making that glorious purchase is my drug of choice. There is a certain joy I feel getting new music or listening to an old album/song that I have not heard in a long time. I spend more of my life listening to music than anything else. Even when I am sleeping there is music playing. I would rather listen to music than watch TV. The only place I do not listen to music is work and then I usually try and fit it in there. At HBCS, there was always music playing in my classroom. My new favorite website is Pandora because I get to listen to new artist and feed my obsession. Most of my friends know of my addiction because whenever we have a conversation, I always have a song to relate to the topic no matter what it is. Most of my friends ask who the artist is playing and I usually know the answer. It is kinda sad at times. But I must say this, if I'm going to be addicted to something it might as well be as diverse and fun as music.

LC here I come...again

2008-11-21T15:30:00.002-06:00

OK. I know I previously posted that I would be attending ULL . However, God has revealed my sin to me(just joking) . I recently took a trip to good ol' Pineville to get my ACT scores to enter ULL. While I was there, I visited with people and decided to compare programs. So, I went to the Education Department and spoke with the advisor for their Alternative Certification Program. I was very impressed and decided that their program would be better suited for my needs (and I just overall prefer LC). So this summer I will take some intensive course work and bask in the glory that is my beloved Alma Mater.

Knee Injury

2008-11-17T12:38:00.007-06:00

As previously posted, I had a knee injury over the summer. Here are some pics: My knee with 4 stitches.

I took my stitches out myself.

This is now the pretty scar I have.

I never thought I would say this, but...

2008-11-17T12:09:00.002-06:00

I will be attending ULL . I will enroll in their Alternative Certification Program for Teachers. I will, however, attempt to wear a LC shirt for every class. Keep myself rooted and remind myself that I am a WILDCAT first and forever. Go Orange and Blue

Camp Highlights

2008-07-24T14:30:00.002-06:00

I am almost totally recovered from the 2 camps I attended this summer.

360 Camp
-The bus ride is always awesome. I walked up and down the aisle talking to people and handing out food
-SOTO was as beautiful as I remembered it. I love the mountains even if they are small!
-Our small group consisted of guys and girls so that provided an interesting dynamic. My co-leaders were Lisa Dupree and Ian Brou. We made an awesome team! I love getting to know the students and see them open up as the week progresses. It brings such joy to my heart.
-Late nights were great. I failed on the leader challenge because I cannot bowl to save my life (or win the challenge...there is always next year) Our Tacky Prom was the best. It was so much better than my Senior Prom. I loved all of the crazy outfits everyone had. For me, it was a relief to not care about what we were wearing and just had fun looking silly and being crazy. That is what camp is all about.
-I got a closer look at grace while at camp; all the love and help given to me really humbled me and I truly felt the compassion from everyone.
-While at camp, I jumped off a rock and hit another rock with my knee. It was gashed open so I had to go to the ER and get stitches. I also could not put pressure on it so I had to get help to walk and other fun stuff. Everyone was willing and ready to help which I appreciated so much. (I finally took my stitches out.)
-Chris Brooks ROCKS! 'nuf said.
-The band was awesome this year.
Basically, camp was amazing.

Super Summer
-Afshin Zeafat was cool. His testimony was so inspiring. He is a converted Muslim.
-Rec was good, but I could not participate because of my knee. However, seeing everyone get all colored up and shouting cheers while running around was cool.
-I enjoyed the teaching sessions and family group times.
-My family group got a slow start but by the end if the week, we were all pretty close
-My partner was interesting.
-I was grateful to have people there who could help me with my knee situation; I say that because some tried to help and failed by dropping me and causing further injury, but it was all good.
-Overall, Super Summer was a great experience and I would love to return.

HBCS

2008-05-16T10:20:00.003-06:00

The HBCS chapter of my life is now over. I started working at HBCS last August. I was quite nervous being a PE teacher. I felt very inadequate and overwhelmed in the beginning. As I got to know my students and the atmosphere of the school, I became more comfortable. I grew to love all of my students (even the ones that were horrible at times) and the staff here. Though the atmosphere was not quite like EBBC (no place will be), it was very encouraging and reassuring. I learned so much about myself and what my abilities are not. Only by the grace and strength of Christ did I manage to survive this year. My time here was not bad but it challenged me in every aspect of my life. I have to admit that I am very sad to leave but I do not regret my decision to step down and give someone else my job; especially because I know this person is much more capable and knowledgeable regarding this subject. The path before me is unknown because I do not have another job lined up. This much I know; God is faithful and He will honor my sacrifice and provide. My prayer is to find something where my passions and desires match my gifts and abilities. It was fun being an HBCS Bear. Now I'm off to my next destination in this journey I call life.

My second "25th" birthday

2008-03-17T11:10:00.002-06:00

Ok. So I actually just turned 26 on March 16, 2008. I dreaded this day for a week leading up to my actual birthday. For some reason, I just didn't want to be another year older. I told everyone not to make a big deal and treat it like it was just another ordinary day. Well, they didn't listen. And I'm quite grateful because it turned out to be an awesome day(weekend). On Friday night, Toyia and Robert came to my house to eat pizza and watch "Camp Nowhere". Great movie. Saturday was Girls Night Out with Michelle, Amy, and Toyia. We went to Pimon Thai then to Maggie Moos for ice cream. We met up with a friend, Brian (who was actually also at Pimon Thai-weird). We met his friends Thor and his wife (can't remember her name). Brian invited us to his house to play Rock Hero. I sang once-I can't sing. Then I proceeded to play the drums. I have a greater appreciation for drummers because it was HARD and I played the easy level. I would get the beat down but my timing seemed to be off. Oh well, it was a blast. On Sunday, my actual birthday, Lindsey, Megan, and Luke told me they were taking me out to lunch. Robert also said the he was taking my out to lunch but it wouldn't be until 1:30. So, I spent from 12:30 to 1:30 with the students and from 1:30-3:15 with some of my old anchor group-Michelle, Amy, Artie, and Robert. [BTW thanks Jason for the card. Hope life is good in Florida.] I have accepted that I'm now 26. Hopefully with my age will come a little more wisdom and a whole lot more fun. A huge thank you to EVERYONE who made my birthday special. It was only great because you were there to share it with.

Self Realization

2008-03-03T07:46:00.002-06:00

I had one of those moments this weekend where you know something in your head but then it penetrates your heart. It was a moment of self realization about exactly who I am. People always say "Trust your heart", "Do what you feel is right", or " You're a good person". NO I'M NOT! Jeremiah 17:9 says "The heart is more deceitful than all else; And is desperately wicked; Who can understand it?" I have a deceitful and wicked heart. It leads me astray and causes me to do things I know are wrong. I self-destruct when people hurt me and then I leave a path of destruction behind me like a tornado. I do and say things to hurt those I love; and then I close myself off and keep people at arm's length so that I do not become vulnerable again. That is who I am. However, I take comfort in the other verse in this passage: (verse 10)"I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give to each man according to his ways, According to the results of his deeds." The beauty in this verse is that while I may have a wicked heart, God knows it and loves me regardless. He also knows that when I was 13 I gave my heart to Christ and He has changed me. Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me."

Forgivenesss

2008-02-28T07:57:00.002-06:00

I had a conversation last night with one of my students on forgiveness. Then, this morning on my way to school, this song came on. It reinforced everything said last night so I thought I would share it. The name is There's Only Forgiveness by John Reuben. It is very powerful and so very true.

Now it’s in my head cuz they’re one step ahead
It’s under my skin cuz it’s a little too thin
And it’s in my heart just to tear me apart
Now you’re feeding off the aggression
Misery loves company and twisted forms of affection
Meet the human heart where hostility lives
Sometimes revenge feels so good that I don’t want to forgive
And oh no thus the cycle continues
It’s an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
Til they’re all loose and you’re bitter blind and numb
You bark but can’t bite because you’re all gums
And is justice ever done are you ever satisfied
Was it about justification or about pride
Stay away from the truth it might teach you things you don’t like
My insecurity is out to prove that I’m right

(chorus)
I don’t want your apologies
I don’t want restitution
I want to hear you’re wrong but I don’t want resolutions
I want justice but I don’t care for peace
I don’t want to be bound but I don’t choose to be free
I want for you what I feel inside of me
And as soon as I know what that is I’ll share willingly

It seems like it should be simpler
But the human condition runs from wisdom
And we’re not as bright as we give ourselves credit
We repeat the same mistakes before we can regret it
I tried to let it go but it held me in place
There’s something better but I don’t like the taste
Bitterness is easier to swallow than the sting of grace
Memories can be neglected but impossible to erase
They reappear in different ways
And most of the time we’re not even sure of what it is that we hate
We just follow our feelings into an unhealthy state of being with no plans of leaving

(chorus)

If I let this go then it’s all in the past
And if I hold onto it I still have something to grasp
What would we do if we had nothing to fight about
Out of the abundance out our hearts we run our mouths
And tear each other apart and inflict pain and grief
Humanity wouldn’t know what to do if we had world peace
So you can take the sign in your front lawn down it’s a nice gesture
But mankind likes to go to our war it’s in our fallen nature
Neighbors nations corporations races insecurity and hurt works well with retaliation
But don’t worry it will be your turn soon
So plot your revenge as you clean your knife wound
And 'I forgive you' is not an option
It’s too uncomfortable
It’s much easier to be miserable than vulnerable
You can save that for the weak and the religious
But there is no justice or no peace, there’s only forgiveness

Movie Quote

2008-02-21T15:22:00.002-06:00

I was watching the movie Extreme Days with my classes and was reminded of what I think is one of the funniest movie quotes:

Jessie "I need $2,000, a new engine, or a miracle."
Brian "Maybe I'm your miracle."
Jessie rolls eyes and walks away.

Just a rant

2008-01-15T12:21:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I hate being an adult. I hate being responsible, level-headed, clear thinking, and objective. I hate being a parent to my parent. I hate being dependable. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "IT'S NOT FAIR!" But, was it fair for Job to lose all of his family, possessions, and health. Was it fair that Jesus had to die for my failures and sins. Life is not fair. Or is it? I want to run away but there is no where to run. I just need a hug but there is no one to hug. I just want to cry but I have no more tears. I am afraid that I am slowly becoming...

numb.

The Flame in All of Us

2007-12-21T09:41:00.000-06:00

Thousand Foot Krutch came out with a new CD titled The Flame in All of Us. It is GREAT! There is one verse in the song "Favorite Disease" that goes..."sometimes I feel like a monster" that pierced my heart because of how true it is in my life. With my thoughts, words and actions I feel like I'm this monster that wrecks destruction and fear wherever I go. However, the song "My Own Enemy" was written just for me. This truly could be my new theme song. Here are the lyrics:

(Intro Scat: Hold up, oh no, who let them in the door,It’s like a freak show, shake it a like a photo)
Hate, is only what you say, not what you mean,
And Pain, is what’s inside of me, not when you’re bleeding,
I will fall, I’ll fall, and take your breathe away,
We, could change it all, and take your breathe away
This anger changes me, it effects the way I see,
Effects every part of me, and makes you my enemy
But when it falls apart, it’s like a brand new start,
And I can’t remember why, I ripped everything apart
I’m still my worst enemy,
The world around me all can see what they want to see,
I need some help, because I’m still my worst enemy,
No matter where I am, I’ll still get the best of me,
I’m my own enemy
Shake, the world inside of me, until it can’t be shaken,
Wake, the words inside of me, before it’s all too late..
(’cause)I will fall, I’ll fall, and take your breathe away,
We will change, it all, and take your breathe away
This anger changes me, it effects the way I see,
Effects every part of me, and makes you my enemy
But when it falls apart, it’s like a brand new start,
And I can’t remember why, I ripped everything apart
I’m still my worst enemy,
The world around me all can see what they want to see,
I need some help, because I’m still my worst enemy,
No matter where I am, I’ll still get the best of me,
I’m my own enemy (x2)
My own enemy, ……my own enemy

Seeking

2007-10-09T10:23:00.000-06:00

I went to a retreat this past weekend in Baton Rouge. It was good. My mentor, Charity, was a speaker. The theme was A Heart for God focusing on revival. They talked about brokenness, holiness, and purity. I then went to Mobile, AL to spend time with Charity and her family. I went to their church on Sunday and was moved by the message. He spoke on seeking. His text was Jer. 29:13. His points were:
Seek God's face
Seek God's favor
Seek God's fellowship
Seek God's faithfulness
I actually cried because I was so convicted of how often I do not actually seek the Lord, instead I just dump my problems onto Him and never consider what He might have for me or why I am going through this. I am so unworthy of His grace and mercy. Thank you for the cross.

Highlights from 360 Camp

2007-07-16T15:19:00.000-06:00

These are the funny moments from camp this week:
Justin running into a trash can full of water and dumping it over
Tim tipping over canoes on the Buffalo River during our float trip
Morgan blowing in Ian's ear then Ian sitting on him
Luke sitting on Ian's lap
me picking Buddy's nose
all the adults in their 70's costumes (esp Tim)
the students who actually dressed up
Paul and Suzi stuffing marshmallows in their mouths and trying to say "Chubby Bunny"
Paul and Cheryl with pantyhose on their heads (Paul was named the Ultimate Youth Worker)
playing musical chairs and getting sat on
watching everyone play the 'Price is Right'
CHRIS BROOKS

My Unexpected Blessing

2007-06-20T15:42:00.000-06:00

So, today I received a cool surprise. My grandfather decided to GIVE me my grandmother's car. Originally, he was going to sell it to me and the profit was to be split between him and his daughters. They said they would donate their half to me so I would only have to pay him half. I told him of their generous offer and he said he too would donate the car to me. So God has took my stupidity and blessed me again. I don't know why He does these things.

Total Loss

2007-06-18T14:02:00.000-06:00

The insurance company called and said that my car was a total loss. The positive side is that I no longer have to pay for it and I never really loved it in the first place. My dad wants me to buy my grandmother's Pontiac Vibe but I haven't decided on a course of action just yet.

The Brighter Side

2007-06-05T15:12:00.001-06:00

I have my moments of stupidity pretty often in life; but this one takes the cake. I was going home after a meeting for Market Place and the main road I drive was closed because of high water. Well, since I know the back road well (or so I thought) I decided it would be a good detour. There was a lot of water on the road but it looked shallow so I kept driving through the water. So, all of a sudden, the water got very deep and my car stalled. Then the water started rising in my car. My first thought was "This is NOT good!" I tried to call my dad but he didn't answer; so I called my uncle who lived down the road. I also called for a tow truck. Then I noticed in my mirror 6 people walking to my car. They asked me if I was OK then proceeded to PUSH (yes PUSH) my car out of the water. They pushed it a mile (give or take) down the road. I was completely embarrassed but also very grateful. As it turns out, they were Catholic missionaries on their way to India to do mission work. After the whole ordeal, we all prayed together. They were some of the most Spirit-filled people I have ever met. God totally reached down and embraced me and my foolish decision to drive in the water. A careless decision turned into truly a miraculous adventure. I am reminded that life will always have its valleys but God promised He would walk me through it. BTW I saw the most beautiful rainbow as I left work and praised God for it. I am thankful because now I see that God prepared my heart with that rainbow to praise Him in what would be a unfortunate circumstance.

Which choice would you make

2007-05-23T10:22:00.000-06:00

Some familiar that may not be the greatest...or
A big risk that may not work out like you planned

Birthday Bliss

2007-03-20T14:12:00.000-06:00

Though I did not want to turn 25 this past Friday (March 16, 2007), I did have a wonderful birthday. Friday night, I went to dinner at Lafayette's with five amazingly wonderful people( two of them were my fellow intern and his awesome wife). I had a blast, and I ate craw fish. Life could not get much better. Then I went a friend's apartment with others and we played a mean game of Phase 10 and enjoyed snoballs. It was magical (Robert won...of course). Then next night I had dinner with my parents. Sunday I had lunch with friends at Zeus' Cafe. All around, it was a great birthday weekend. Too bad some people could not share with me...you missed out (jj).

The Flu

2007-03-05T15:55:00.000-06:00

This post is late coming thanks to losing it once. I finally decided to re-post it.
I have finally recovered from the (physically) sickest I have ever been in my life. I went to Arkansas over Mardi Gras break with our (EBBC) high school students. We were supposed to take a charter bus to Harriet, AR for a three day retreat. Well, there were no buses so we drove 10 hours to AR and back. I was privileged to drive a suburban. I had 6 HS boys with me. It was interesting to say the least. Well, I had not been sleeping well and I worked with snotty nose preschoolers the Friday before we left. (We left on Sunday after church) So, Sunday night as we arrived in Ar, I began to feel drained from the drive and everything else. Monday morning I woke up and bang it hit me-coughing, running nose, body aches, sneezing. I was disheartened. During the day, I fell OK but not horribly bad. After all the activities of the day, I began feeling weak and really tired. The worst part was the fever I could feel myself getting. A sane person would have called it quits and gone to bed, but we all know that I am no where near sane. So I went into the woods for a scavenger hunt when I knew I needed to be resting. Well, after it was all said and done I felt like I was going to die. I was told to go to bed even though I needed to stay up with the girls. The next morning I woke up feeling worse. The drive back to LA was good. I actually started to feel better. The next day, Wednesday, I went to church exhausted and half dead. I went home and spent the next three days drinking NyQuil and DayQuil. I emerged from my haven feeling better but "blessed" with five fever blisters. Not my idea of fun. So, my symptoms and fever blisters are gone for the most part and I lived through this experience with one tidbit of truth: I hate the flu.

Blessed

2007-01-16T16:45:00.000-06:00

I am overwhelmed by the number of people who have truly blessed me during this difficult time of losing my grandmother. I am especially grateful of the calls from people who live in different states that wanted to give me love and support. My old roommate, Janna called as well as Andy from MABTS, Dave from Mobile, and Sean who was in my Anchor group here in Louisiana but now lives in Ft Worth Tx. People here have also been amazing. My pastor really blessed me by letting me know he was praying for me and gave me Scripture to meditate on. God has really shown me how wonderful it is to not only know my pastoral leadership but really form strong relationships with them. Prayer is vital for these men and women to not only combat Satan daily and follow Christ but also to lead others to Christ and lead others in following Christ. I could have never imagined being able to work with such an amazing team such as these. For this reason and many others I consider myself truly blessed

Heaven bound

2007-01-10T21:47:00.000-06:00

My grandmother is now in heaven beholding the awesome glory of Christ. She died January 9, 2007. While this is hard for me-she was more of my mother because she raised me and was always there for me whether it be just to talk or give me financial help-I am content knowing that she is where she wanted to be, with her Savior. I know that she is walking on streets of gold and talking with Jesus because of her commitment to Christ. I also have peace knowing that one day I will be with her forever where there will be no pain, tears, or sorrow. Thank you Jesus for Your blood that makes it possible.

Sunday Sermon

2007-01-07T11:23:00.000-06:00

This Sunday, the youth minister, Lyndale preached on Inform, Connect, Build, and Serve. The two things that really impacted me were: "Life gets full, but rarely gets fulfilling." Wow! How true is that of myself. I try to stay busy to trick myself into believing that life is great. Jesus wanted us to have a fulfilling life not a full/busy life (John 10:10). The other cool thing was something I've heard friends of mine say also: "I am most like Christ when I serve other people." It was a great sermon.

Helpless

2006-12-29T10:22:00.000-06:00

Every day I go and visit my grandmother in the hospital. Because of the stroke, she is unable to speak. She was the one family member I could just talk to. Almost every morning we would have coffee and just visit. Now, as she is just lying there in that bed, I just want to talk to her. I feel so helpless in this situation. There is nothing I can do to help her. Though I pray multiple times in the day, I still want to physically do something. I figure it is my fallen nature that tells me that in order to "deal" with this I have to "do" something about it. The truth is there is absolutely nothing I can do. The ironic part is all of my friends and church family, who have been so loving and supportive, also want to do something to help me through this. The only thing is that what I need is not something just anyone can do. Because all I really need is just to be held.

Overly concerned

2006-12-26T12:19:00.000-06:00

Last Thursday started out as a normal day for me. I took a shower then spent some time in the Word and prayer. Then, I went over to my grandparents' house (which is only a couple of feet from where I live) to have coffee and spend time with them. When I walked through the back door, I saw my grandmother lying on the floor. I immediately went to her to help her. She was conscious but not responsive. She is a diabetic so I thought her blood sugar was low. I went to my grandfather's room (he was still sleeping) and told him about my grandmother. We got her up and took her to her bedroom. He went and got some sugar to give her and I tested her blood. It was 127 which is good so I knew it was not a blood sugar problem. I called her daughters (my mom and aunt) and told them to come to her house immediately. I thought she was having a stroke so I dialed 911. My mom and aunt tried to talk to her but still no response. The emergency team got there and started working. I had to answer lots of questions (mostly the same questions to different people). They got her in the ambulance and took her to the hospital. My grandfather went in the ambulance with her while my mom, aunt, and I followed. Once she got to the hospital they did tests. She did have a stroke that caused a blood vessel to burst resulting in bleeding on the left side of her brain which caused her right side to be paralyzed. She was transferred to Lafayette General to see the neuro-surgeon. He did not operate considering the location of the hemorrhage. She is still in ICU and is slightly improving. I'll update as I know. For those of you who read this please pray for healing for her and comfort for my family. Thanks

Amazed

2006-12-20T18:10:00.000-06:00

I was reading in John 17 this morning and this verse just struck me: verse 20 I pray for those who will believe in me (Joslynn's translation). Wow, Jesus was about to be arrested, beaten, mocked, and killed. But, in the midst of all that He prayed for me. It is a humbling thought to know that Jesus was not focused on Himself during this time but all of His followers and friends. What a great example of how we should pray and live our lives.

Great Expectations

2006-12-18T11:55:00.000-06:00

I am always amazed at how much God knows me and knows what I need even when I don't know what I need. I recently became a youth intern at my church East Bayou. Now, I am ridiculously scared out of my mind because I know I am going to screw up royally-I always do, its my trade mark. But, I am also really excited because of the awesome people I get to help me clean up the mess I made. I sat in awe in our meeting today at how connected we all were yet our team is relatively new. Court is the incredible support person who is going to always listen to my rants (and there will be many, just ask my anchor group) and gently rebuke me but it won't even seem like a rebuke. Then there is Chris, who will tell everything that went wrong, how it should have gone, and how to fix it. (Every team needs one of these people) And then there is the go to, has all the info, cry on my shoulder person-that would be Justin. And then there me. The one who has all this knowledge yet knows nothing cause she's too stubborn and head strong. And the glue to our team is our fearless leader, Lyndale. He's the whole package-a visionary with the skills and drive to lead and get the job done. He is the essential leader who empowers others and teaches them to be great leaders.
Now, to what I first said. God put me in the midst of these amazing people to teach me and stretch me in incredible ways. I have already learned so much and I just started. I am really excited about the refining process that will take place over the course of this year. And the icing on the cake is the staff. They are so fun. I was around them this morning in the room known as "Sin City" where all kinds of goodies are awaiting our consumption. They were goofing off and laughing and just having a great time. Also, everyday I am gaining a better appreciation and love for my pastor. I am really enjoy him and I am excited about getting to know him better. This promises to be a challenging but great year!

Big Decision

2006-12-15T11:16:00.000-06:00

I have made a big decision in my life. I have decided to continue my education by pursuing a Master's Degree in Marriage and Family Counseling. This decision has taken two years and some very interesting turns in my life to be made. Now, the only question is where do I go for this degree. If any one has any suggestions, please let me know. Also, if there is a place that I should avoid like the plague, let me that too.

Do I see what you see (revised)

2006-12-12T10:23:00.000-06:00

Recently, a family member of mine called me selfish, inconsiderate, brat, and undependable. Now, I admit that I probably have been and can be all of these things at times, after all I have a sin nature. However, in order to help out this family member, I worked an eight hour day (missed my first day in my "office"), drove three hours, slept four hours then drove another three hours with her offspring so I could take care of the offspring for her. Now, I'm trying really hard not to sound like I'm complaining cause I don't want to complain. I just don't understand. I know I should not care what she says or let it affect me. On one hand people tell me that I am kind and loving. But then she tells me that I am not kind or considerate but that I let everyone down because I refuse to help them out. And they wonder why I question myself. Well, here's why! The person who should know me best says these things about me. Its no wonder I'm confused and hard on myself. Don't misunderstand this to be putting her down, that is not my intention. She had every right to call me those things because she believes them to be true because I chose a commitment over her need. So, my thought is this: do I believe the person who tells me I have a good heart and care about people or do I believe a family member who tells me I have my priorities messed up and I am selfish? For those of you who know me, please clue me in.

Thought for the day

2006-12-11T14:23:00.000-06:00

John 14:15
"If you love Me, you will keep my commandments."
Love equals obedience. If I love someone, I will do what he/she asks of me. If I love God I will do what He tells me. Yet, so many times I do not do what He tells me. Why is this simple truth so hard to grasp and use in practical life?

Personal Revival Day 4

2006-12-08T11:46:00.000-06:00

This day really hit me because it is so true of me so many times. Here is what the authors say: "God wants us to love Him first and foremost. When we find ourselves trusting in people instead of the Lord, this indicates that our heart's focus has shifted from Him (Jer 17:5). Love for people- friends, family members, or even ourselves-can compete with our love for Him (Matt 10:37). Other substitutes for a God-centered love relationship may include money, pleasure, friends, work, ritual in worship, the teaching of respected leaders, or Bible knowledge without a relationship with Christ. Revival does not begin when a struggling, wayward person decides to return to the Lord but rather when the loving heavenly Father, wanting His people to enjoy the safety and security of His love, calls him or her back to Himself. God is the initiator; the call to revival ia a plea of love from the heart of God."
Have you transferred your love for God to some other place? What are some things that may compete with your love for Him?

Personal Revival Day 3

2006-12-07T12:26:00.000-06:00

Parents who really love their children will discipline them if needed. God loves us so much more than parents can so He must also discipline us. Hosea 11 & 14 describe the process Israel had to endure in order to return to God. In my own life, God had to (and is continuing to do) discipline me and strip me down until there is nothing left of me. Then He comes and fills me with Himself. I have to admit that it is painful and hard but it is good at the same time. Does God need to bring you through the refining process in order to reveal Himself more through you?

Personal Revival Day 2

2006-12-07T12:17:00.000-06:00

For those who are familiar with clay, you know it is very hard to till, especially here in Louisiana. Our hearts can become like hard ground, where nothing affects us anymore. Hosea warned us that we must break our hard hearts and return to God. (Hosea 10:12-13) So the question is "What do you think it means to break up your fallow ground?"

Personal Revival day 1

2006-12-05T10:50:00.000-06:00

I used to think that I was a good person. Then I read this book/study. I never thought I needed revival because I knew alot about the Bible, Jesus, and faith. Wow! After reading and studying, I got a major wake-up call. I realized how wicked my heart truly is. This passage really showed me that I do need revival in my life and not just when a crusade comes but everyday I wake up.

Will you not revive us again,

that your people may rejoice in You?

Show us Your steadfast love, O Lord,

and grant us your salvation.

Let me hear what God the Lord will speak,

for HE will speak peace to His people, to His saints,

but let them not turn back to folly.

Surely His salvation is near to those who fear Him,

that glory may dwell in our land. (Psalm 85:6-9)

So the question is who needs revival?

Seeking Him

2006-12-05T10:36:00.000-06:00

My Anchor (Bible Study) group decided we would study a book entitled Seeking Him by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Tim Grissom. I thought this would be a great blog opprtunity. So, everyday I will share my personal thoughts on the study and post a question I hope everyone who reads these blogs will answer (especially former group members...hint, hint, hint). Therefore, I humbly ask if you by chance read these blogs, please enlightenen me with your wisdom and knowledge concerning the questions by commenting on them.

Oh the lies...

2006-12-04T14:04:00.000-06:00

A friend told me that I had trouble believing lies. I had no idea how right he was until I read Lies Women Believe. This book is packed full of wisdom and truth. Here are some of the major points that really impacted me:
"The Truth is God is far more interested in our holiness than our immediate, temporal happiness...
True joy is not the absence of pain but the sanctifying, sustaining presence of the Lord Jesus in the midst of pain.
if we are not content within our present circumstances, we are not likely to be happy in any other set of circumstances
our circumstances do not makes us what we are. They merely reveal what we are.
Long before you were born, every molecule of your body and every day of your life from conception to the grave was carefully thought through and planned by God
We don't have to let our feelings run our lives
The primary purpose of marriage is not to be happy but to glorify God and reflect His redeeming covenant love
contentment is not found in having everything we think we want but in choosing to be satisfied with what God has already provided
That independent self-sufficient spirit is an expression of pride
The way to see the Truth about sin is to see it in the light of who God is
We must learn to accept those longings, surrender them to God, and look to Him to meet the deepest needs of our hearts
the deepest longings of our hearts cannot be filled by any created person or thing
the outward appearance of the Christian woman is to reflect a heart that is simple, pure, and well-ordered
What is condemned...Tending to physical matters while neglecting matters of the heart
we do not hate ourselves, nor do we need to learn to love ourselves. We need to learn to deny ourselves... We do not have low self-esteem rather a low view of God
Some of us have lived all our lives in an emotional prison because we have accepted what a false "broken"mirror said to us about ourselves
do we truly believe God is enough or are we looking to other things and people to fill the empty places of our hearts
we trust what we feel to be true rather than what we know to be true
beliefs produce behavior
what we read or hear may sound right, may feel right, may seem right-but if it is contrary to the Word of God, it is not right"

This book was like a slap in the face. I needed to hear it but it was painful. I realized so many lies I believed and that I knew the truth, I just chose to believe the lie. I encourage all women to read this book. It is so good and deep. I know God really opened my eyes and my heart and I'll never be the same. My entire thought process about my emotions, self-image, and views of marriage are radically changed.

Sin

2006-11-30T14:50:00.000-06:00

In my quest to be a godly woman, I am reading a book titled Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Here is a cool list I thought I'd share
"-Sin steals joy (Psalm 51:12)
-Sin removes confidence (1 John 3:19-21)
-Sin brings guilt (Psalm 51:3)
-Sin gives Satan the upper hand (2 Corinthians 2:9-11)
-Sin quenches God's Spirit (1 Thessalonians 5:19)
-Sin brings physical damage (Psalms 38:1-11; 31:10)
-Sin causes an ache in the soul (Psalm 32:3-4)
-Sin breaks God's heart (Ephesians 4:30)
-Sin opens the door to other sins (Isaiah 30:1)
-Sin breaks fellowship with God (Isaiah 59:1-2)
-Sin produces fear (Proverbs 28:1)
-Sin makes me its slave (John 8:34; Romans 6:16)

Deeply Concerned

2006-11-30T10:49:00.000-06:00

I am deeply concerned for my family today. My grandmother is going to have tests on her brain today. Her mother had Alzheimer's disease so it runs in the family. I did not get the opportunity to know my great-grandmother because of it. Now, my grandmother is showing signs of having the disease. Lately, she cannot talk. She tries but cannot think of words or forgets as she is talking. Also, her short term memory is slightly impaired. I will tell her something and 30 minutes later she does not remember having a conversation with me. My grandmother kinda raised me. She has always been my emotional support as well as physical. I'm scared that she will slowly not recognize or my family especially not even her only great granddaughter. I question my strength and ability to cope with this situation. I want to believe that it is only grief since she lost her son 4 months ago to AIDS. All I know is today might change life for my family.

Quotes

2006-11-29T10:30:00.000-06:00

Here are some great quotes from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers that have really impacted me over the last few days:

"He can do nothing for us if we think we are sufficient of ourselves, we have to enter into His Kingdom through the door of destitution."

"The kind of religious life we see abroad to-day is entirely different from the robust holiness of the life of Jesus Christ."

"Cut yourself off from prying personal interest in your own spiritual symptoms and consider bare-spirited the tragedy of God, and instantly the energy of God will be in you."

"Re-state to yourself what you believe, then do away with as much of it as possible, and get back to the bedrock of the Cross of Christ."

"The danger is lest no longer relying on God you ignore the lifting up of your eyes to Him. Only when God brings you to a sudden halt, will you realize how you have been losing out. Whenever there is a leakage, remedy it immediately. Recognize that something has been coming between you and God, and get it readjusted at once. "

Bittersweet

2006-11-28T14:01:00.000-06:00

I love it when people speak truth into my life. But then that means that I have been believing a lie. It's bittersweet.

Helpfulness

2006-11-27T14:26:00.000-06:00

A friend recently taught me this lesson (though he doesn't know he did). While praying and crying one night I wrote these thoughts in a journal about my needing to feel helpful and when does it go too far. What do I do when my help isn't wanted? Do I stand aside or do things the way I want to? Does my instance on helping mean that I am more of a hinderance than a helper? Why do I go so far in that I will do what I want despite the thoughts and feelings of the other person? Do I even consider the feelings of others when I insist on doing things my own way? Do I give others the opportunity to be helpful or do I push them aside? So many times I just jump in and get the job done. I'm used of the "if I don't get it done then it won't get done" mentality because that has been so true in my life. I think I'm too independent and focused on self-sufficiency. I am my own destructive force. I hurt myself more than others so they can't hurt me. By not allowing others to hurt me, I in turn hurt them by keeping them at a distance. My need to keep people at arm's length leaves me lonely and left out. I have to wonder what is the motivation behind my wanting to help others. Is is genuine concern or selfish ambition? I realized that I can't fix myself and so I don't want anyone else to try and fix me. I'm coming to the realization that I am completely helpless. I'm dying a painful death.

The Last Night

2006-11-27T12:23:00.000-06:00

Skillet just came out with their new cd Comatose. It's awesome. There is this one song that reminds me that God heals our emotional scars and hurts just like the physical. I deal with my emotional scars daily and this song really showed me that I believe lies but one lie I refuse to believe is that I'm alone. Anyone struggling with loneliness or emotional hurts should really listen to this cd. God is all over it.

You come to me with your scars on your wrist
you tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn’t want you to see me cry, I’m fine
But I know it’s a lie
Chorus:
This is the last night you’ll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I’m everywhere you want me to be
The last night you’ll spend alone
I’ll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I’m everything You need me to be
Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don’t know you like I know you they don't know you at all
I’m so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie
Bridge:
The night is so long when everything’s wrong
If you give me a chance
I will help you hold on
tonight
tonight
I won’t let you say goodbye
And I’ll be your reason why
the last night away from me
away from me

Blasphemy

2006-11-27T10:34:00.000-06:00

I was reading in the Gospel of John this morning, chapter 8. When I got to verse 58, Jesus tells the Pharisees (religious leaders in Jesus' day) that He is I AM. Now, to Jews this is a powerful statement. When Moses encountered the burning bush and asked God what His name was, God replied "I AM". (Exodus 3) So when Jesus said He was I AM to the Pharisees, He was claiming to be God. The Pharisees considered this blasphemy and attempted to stone Jesus. The irony is this: Jesus is God; so the Pharisees actually tried to kill the God they claimed they served. Talk about blasphemy. Which makes me wonder if I have ever been like the Pharisees and didn't recognize Jesus or one of His precious children but instead judged them. The beginning of ch 8 talks about the woman caught in adultery and how people wanted to stone her and tried to trick Jesus. But His reply was " Let he who has no sin cast the first stone". Needless to say no one could stone her. Then Jesus looked at her and told her that He did not condemn but had forgiven her and to go and sin no more. How powerful and profound. Such grace and forgiveness. I have been given the same grace and forgiveness. I am so unworthy and have no grounds on which to judge. Wow!

Running

2006-11-24T12:33:00.000-06:00

In the movie, Forrest Gump, Forrest (played by Tom Hanks) finds himself running. He runs and he runs and he runs. Then he decides to stop, turn around, and go home. Well, I feel like Forrest. Just running and running. I have a decision to make: do I stop or keep running. I wonder how Forrest made his decion to stop?

Chicken Thief

2006-11-21T12:07:00.000-06:00

Sunday I had a full day. Church, Adia's birthday party (my niece), knitting, and dinner at Chili's. Upon returning home that night, I decided marinate some chicken for a dinner I was cooking for friends. So, I got everything out and then went to the fridge for the chicken breasts I had in there. I reached for the chicken. But wait. Something is wrong. The chicken...is...GONE! I look and look but no chicken. Someone has stolen my chicken. I almost started to cry. But then I remembered earlier that day I also noticed my potatoes were missing. The culprit was my sister who thought her husband them for the party. So I thought sheath also taken my chicken. I got mad. I went on a search for my chicken. After an exhausting search (walking across my yard) I found my grandmother and interrogated her. Actually I just asked her if she knew anything about my chicken. As it turned out, my grandfather went to my fridge looking for something and saw the chicken. He thought they were for the gumbo being cooked. So my chicken woundup in gumbo. The mystery of my stolen chicken had been solved. And lucky for me my grandparents bought me more chicken. Yeah for grandparents!

Answers I Need

2006-11-16T17:24:00.000-06:00

Questions I wish I knew the Answers to: (these questions came to me while I was being bored out of my mind filling in for my sister)

How can you get it so wrong when you think you've gotten it so right?

How many times can you fail before you're a failure?

Why does the thing you want the most cause you the most pain?

Why do you always want what you cannot have and yet never appreciate what you have right there in front of you?

If any one knows the answers, please inform me.

Moody

2006-11-16T11:10:00.000-06:00

Faith is not about moods. My mood should not determine my faith and neither should feelings. I find it amazing how my head can know so much but still not affect my actions. So, lately I have been letting my stupid girl emotions and moods determine the depth (or lack there of) in my relationship with Christ. My mood has been apathy. I just don't care about things that I should have a burning passion for, like telling people about the love of Christ and His gift of salvation. Instead I go on some meaningless rant about some theological issue that has no important value to anyone I'm talking to. So, instead of sharing God's love I usually exhaust myself as well as whoever is around me. And then I get upset because of my rant. So my downward spiral continues. All of that to say I need to change my mood to one of kindness, love, and compassion. Now, if I can just figure out how to do that.

Oswald Chambers

2006-11-16T10:35:00.000-06:00

This is an excerpt from My Utmost for His Highest that really challenged me

Faith And Experience
“The Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me.”Galatians 2:20
We have to battle through our moods into absolute devotion to the Lord Jesus, to get out of the hole-and-corner business of our experience into abandoned devotion to Him. Think Who the New Testament says that Jesus Christ is, and then think of the despicable meanness of the miserable faith we have - I haven't had this and that experience! Think what faith in Jesus Christ claims - that He can present us faultless before the throne of God, unutterably pure, absolutely rectified and profoundly justified. Stand in implicit adoring faith in Him, He is made unto us "wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption." How can we talk of making a sacrifice for the Son of God! Our salvation is from hell and perdition, and then we talk about making sacrifices!
We have to get out into faith in Jesus Christ continually; not a prayer meeting Jesus Christ, nor a book Jesus Christ, but the New Testament Jesus Christ, Who is God Incarnate, and Who ought to strike us to His feet as dead. Our faith must be in the One from Whom our experience springs. Jesus Christ wants our absolute abandon of devotion to Himself. We never can experience Jesus Christ, nor ever hold Him within the compass of our own hearts, but our faith must be built in strong emphatic confidence in Him.
It is along this line that we see the rugged impatience of the Holy Ghost against unbelief. All our fears are wicked, and we fear because we will not nourish ourselves in our faith. How can any one who is identified with Jesus Christ suffer from doubt or fear! It ought to be an absolute pæan of perfectly irrepressible, triumphant belief.

Never Leave

2006-11-14T11:57:00.000-06:00

This is a really good song by Kendall Payne that has really helped me through my darkest hour.

In the midst of my darkest hour
you see my tear-stained face
This broken form that no longer feels power
with no apparent place
But even when this world has turned
her back on me
When it's cold where it once had burned
When my thoughts are frightening

You will never leave me

When I fail at living and loving
when I fail you Lord
I want things that I know very well
I cannot afford
When I feel like I have no purpose
except to live and die
Or all they tell me is that I'm worthless
why even try

(Bridge)I cannot be sure
of my love for you
But in the midst of my doubt...
you are true

Psalm 30:5b Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning.

Obedience

2006-11-12T19:40:00.000-06:00

A really cool lesson that I have been learning is that partial obedience is disobedience. You cannot short change God. He is an all or nothing kind of guy. I recently had a good cry in church (that hasn't happened in a very long time) because I've been so disobedient to God. I have not been giving Him all of my desires. One particular is the desire to be a wife and mother. It has consumed most of my college years and just when I thought I was done yeah I never really laid it in the altar of faith but instead let my stupid girl emotions ruin my life. Thank God for forgiveness.

Purchased

2006-11-01T23:20:00.000-06:00

Agorazo is the Greek word for bought, purchased, redeemed. It is especially meaningful to me because it is a constant reminder that I am not my own. I have been bought with a price: the blood of Jesus. For me personally, it has a twofold meaning. First, I am a slave of Christ. So many times in our American culture we get caught up on our rights and freedoms. But if we are truly in Christ then we have no rights, we have no freedom but the freedom that we have in Christ. As a slave, we waive our rights. Secondly, (more personally) it proves the unmistakable love of God. That he loved me so much that He actually bought me with His own blood. I am reminded of the story of Gomer and Hosea where Hosea purchased Gomer (his wife) with everything he owned because she left and became a prostitute. That to me is the perfect picture of what Christ has done on the cross.